A Life of Rum and Piracy
by FatalObsession842
Summary: Two friends get transported into the world of Pirates of the Caribbean. Let the fun ensue! Rated M for language and suggestive themes.
1. A Pirate's Life for Me

**Author's Note: Wow… I'm sorry for presenting you all this steaming pile of horseshit. I apologize for warping the minds of the innocent into thinking that this is a really good story. I have noticed that this story lacked something and I figured it out the other day. The characters aren't OOC nope much more better they don't really have any character. But never fear ye small amount of personals who read this I am going to continue writing this story but… are you ready for this? BETTER! I shall be adding more dialogue and poop like that so this story will RRROOCCKK! **

**Once I complete this beast I am planning to go back and rewrite the first ten chapters. Since Jeanne says I blame everything on her I am going to do this just to spite her. Bwahahaahah! I blame Jeanne because her demands force the poor little monkeys that write this story to work overtime frying their brains making this story poop. Those poor little monkeys they didn't stand a chance. **

**Ok seriously at the rate I've been putting out chapters the quality went down since Jeanne has no patience I am truly sorry for anyone I turned into a drooling baby zombie by reading this story. Thanks to everyone reviewing and saying my story is so incredibly ridiculously awesome in all its awesomeness. But don't get me wrong this is a decent story and it has good grammar unlike some fan fics. With that I bid you adieu.**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own nothin. Only in the sad dark danky depths of my mind do I own the greatest movie and characters ever. Curse you Disney for making such an addictive movie! Curse You! Oh and I especially don't own Jeanne and she would kick my ass if I said I did. Okay so this is my first fanfic, so if it sucks monkey balls that's why. Please review your criticism is helpful!

"O God. Not this again." Jeanne sighed. She had become used to the routine of her crazed friend, whenever she went over to Melissa's house it always meant at least one thing, watching Pirates of the Caribbean.

"Yep, this again." Melissa said while slipping in the well-used dvd. She had memorized the movie even down to know the gestures and facial expressions of each scene. She knew how crazy it must seem to a normal person but to her it was "normal". Then again what is normal, a debate she often thought about.

While the previews rolled the two friends quickly got changed and ready for bed. When the Aztec coin finally appeared on the screen Melissa eagerly pressed play and began to recite the lines of said movie. That is until Jack appeared on the sinking boat known as the "Jolly Mon", at this point Melissa cheered "Hooray for mental orgies!".

At this Jeanne rolled her eyes and promptly said "You are one sad little person." Melissa just smiled at the joke and turned her attention to the swiftly sinking boat and its passenger on the screen. Her friend knew all too well what Melissa was thinking about, it didn't take a genius to figure that one out. Especially with the slight grin appearing on her face as the movie went on. Jeanne knew what that look meant since she got that same goofy look when she saw her cowboys. She dismissed the thought with a sigh while laying her head on a pillow and let sleep take her away.

Meanwhile Melissa was lost in thought and did not notice her friend was asleep. Her mind was wandering to the thoughts of how she wished this movie were real and how different her life would be if it were. Without her realizing it she was slowly drifted to sleep right when Jack and Elizabeth were singing "A Pirate's Life for Me". With her eyelids threatening to close she fell to sleep all the while softly humming the catchy song to herself. Oh how great it would be if indeed it was a pirate's life for her.

Jeanne awoke to Melissa's back pressing against hers. Apparently Melissa had forgotten one big rule and needed to be reminded of said rule. "Okay Snuggles back off." Jeanne said, adding a elbow jab for emphasis.

She felt the figure next to her flinch and then heard a sleepy voice say "Easy on the goods, darling."

"Melissa stop impersonating Jack and move you little weirdo!" Jeanne argued.

"Hey, if I'm not mistaken you're the one with your arm around my waist!" rebutted Melissa.

"I don't have my arm around your waist! I'm facing the damn wall!" declared Jeanne.

"Would you two bloody strumpets be so kind as to stop shouting when a man is trying to sleep!" a husky voice said. At that moment both girls realized that someone was between them. Jeanne screamed bloody murder, rolled off the bed and picked up what seemed like an empty bottle to use as a weapon. Melissa was not so fast to get up since she swore she heard that voice a hundred times before, it was not until a "what are you doing" look from Jeanne brought her from her thoughts. She leapt from the bed immediately after throwing the blankets over the angered man's head. Thus allowing for Jeanne to swiftly knock him over the head with what was assumed to be his own empty bottle.

The two girls were taking stock of their surroundings when the door burst open showing a short gruff man who urgently shouted "Are you alright Cap'n? I heard a something that sounded like a banshee screamin." The words had not long escaped his mouth that he noticed two women standing in front of him, one with the remnants of what appeared to be a shattered rum bottle.

Melissa recognized the man to be Mr. Gibbs she was in shock and disbelief when it dawned upon her that if that was Gibbs then the man lying on the bed unconscious must be. Oh crap she thought to herself, they had just knocked out the infamous Capt. Jack Sparrow. This was not a very good position for oneself to be in, obviously the crew won't take to kindly to this.

By the time Gibbs had finally put two and two together more of the crew had shown up all asking or seeing what had happened. The first mate then bellowed orders to the crew commanding them to take the two bewildered girls below and lock them in the brig.

They sat in the dark cell for a while in silence both contemplating how they had gotten in this place. That was until Melissa decided to voice her unwanted opinion. "You know we probably wouldn't be locked up here if you hadn't knocked the captain unconscious."

"No shit Sherlock. I suppose you had a better plan? Knowing you, you would have just stayed there until he woke up and was the one to be surprised. Don't think I didn't notice how long it took you to get your butt up and out of the bed." Jeanne remarked. Melissa just grinned at the comment.

"So what are we to do now?"

"How am I supposed to know? Find a way to get home?"

"And why would you want to do that?"

"Did you ever think that people will be looking for us since we seemed to have disappeared? And what is here for us when there are so many things to return to at home? And why do I keep asking so many questions?"

"Well maybe but this is the opportunity of a lifetime for me. Besides how in the world are we supposed to get back to our dull lives at home?"

"So I'm assuming this opportunity of a lifetime would be Jack?"

"That's Captain Jack Sparrow." A voice said right before the drunken pirate himself stumbled in.


	2. Twenty Questions

Chapter 2

Disclaimer: The only thing I own is me, myself and I. Jeanne owns herself and the mouse owns the rest.

"So how did ye two manage to stowaway on me ship for so long without anyone noticin'? Jack inquired. He promptly sat down on a unlabeled barrel and uncorked a bottle of what Melissa guessed to be rum.

"Exactly how long have you been out to sea?" inquired Jeanne seeing that Melissa was drooling too much to talk.

"Well ye see I asked you a question first therefore ye answer first, savy?"

Jeanne sighed and rolled her eyes; she was growing impatient rather quickly. Noticing this Melissa returned her attention back to the problem at hand. "Why don't you let us out of this cell and then we'll answer your questions." Melissa requested.

"Why should I let ye two out when that one there" he said as he pointed at Jeanne "bludgeoned me with me own empty rum bottle."

Jeanne couldn't help smiling at the latter comment. "If we answer your stupid questions will you release us from this cell?"

"Again yer asking a question without answering mine first." Jack retorted with that sly grin of his.

"To be honest we don't even know how we got here, we just are. So now will you tell us how long you've been out to sea?" Melissa said noticing that Jeanne was done talking to the stubborn man.

"We've been out of port for about a couple of months. We should be putting in at Tortuga within the week to restock on supplies." Answered Jack while he got up and strolled to the cell. Pulling out a ring of keys he began to work at the lock.

That was until Gibbs ran in saying "Cap'n a merchant ship has been spotted on the horizon."

I am truly sorry this chapter is so short but I've been busy lately. I'm also working on another story that should be up within a few days. Plus I seem to be suffering from writers block on this story and writing it is painfully slow. So bear with me please my readers, all three of you.


	3. Merchants and Pig Shit

I finally put up another chapter. Yes, yes I know it took me long enough but I've been busy with county fair junk and my birthday and all that good stuff.

Disclaimer: Blah blah blah same old stuff as always. I own me, Jeanne owns herself, and Disney owns all the rest.

Jeanne and Melissa stood on the deck of the _Pearl _watching Jack and Gibbs converse at the helm. It was obvious that this day was still promising more adventure to be had. Fortunately though Melissa was too excited to be tired unlike Jeanne.

"So what's supposedly going to happen now?" Jeanne said with a yawn.

"Well I bet ya that the captain is discussing whether or not they shall attempt to attack the ship. If he thinks that we can take the merchant vessel then we've got a little adventure on our hands." _Finally,_ Melissa thought, _watching the history channel so much will come in handy, who ever said that you don't learn anything from TV?_

Noticing that the captain was approaching them, having finished his conversation with Gibbs, Melissa and Jeanne cut their talk short.

"Ye two are welcome to do as you wish just don't get in the way." Jack said with a matter of fact tone.

"So I'm assuming that we'll be boarding the merchant ship then." Melissa stated pointing out the obvious.

"Of course love." Jack added as he walked off.

Taking Jack's advice the two stayed back and watched the proceedings. The merchant craft seemed to be British and therefore a British flag was raised on the _Black_ _Pearl_. The _Pearl_ crept closer to her prey stalking it from a slight distance. Once within firing range the flag was brought down and the Jolly Roger made his appearance.

"C'mon." Melissa whispered to Jeanne as she headed for the crow's nest. Jeanne began to protest but before she could convince her friend out of the foolish act Melissa was already climbing the rigging. With a flustered sigh Jeanne reluctantly followed. Atop the crow's nest Melissa and Jeanne watched as the crew was preparing to board.

"This is so much better than watching the history channel!" remarked Melissa.

The victim's ship had been secured and now the crew interrogated. Luckily this was a practically unarmed vessel. There were a few scuffles here and there but nothing too difficult. Jeanne looked around noticing that her friend was nowhere to be seen _Oh shit! What has she done now!_ But within a couple of minutes she spotted her friend aboard the _Pearl_ waving to her and she was carrying something.

Climbing down the rigging with some difficulty she met her friend.

"Here this is for you." Melissa said handing Jeanne some of the bundle she was carrying.

"Where did find these?" Jeanne asked referring to the clothes just offered to her.

"I thought our little merchant friends wouldn't mind if we took some of their wares. After all we can't have a pirate adventure in our pajamas and plus people keep staring, it's kind of awkward. Now we just have to find a place to change."

"It smells like pig shit down here!" Jeanne commented as they made their way below deck.

"I could explain it all to you why with the bilges and stuff. But I think you rather wouldn't want to know." said Melissa, being her usual smart ass self.

The two eventually found a storage room of a sort and changed into their new pirate garb.

Emerging onto the above deck it appeared as though the raid had gone as planned. Moving out of the way of the looters Melissa and Jeanne spotted some unfamiliar faces. Apparently some of the merchant sailors had joined the crew and the opposing ship had left.

"You two!" they heard some one shout at them. When they turned around to meet the voice it turned out to be Gibbs. "The captain wishes to have a word with ye."


	4. Drunken Ramblings

So Jeanne wanted me to make a note of her overall redneckness, she does not have anger management problems except with her sewing machine, she does not follow me around like a puppy, and I am her loser.

Disclaimer: Yada yada I'm only writing this to save my butt from being sued by a sue-happy suer. I used to own me but apparently Jeanne has now claimed me in a non-lesbian way Jeanne says ewww lesbians, Jeanne owns herself, the mouse owns Jack. Poor Jack, he doesn't even own himself.

"So you expect to leave me standing on some beach with nothing but a name and your word is the one I need and watch you sail away on my ship?" is exactly what came to Melissa mind when she entered the Captain's quarters. Except there was no Barbossa just Jack, which of course was fine with her. She heard Jeanne stifle a giggle, Melissa was trying to figure out what her friend found so funny when she spotted some broken glass shards on the ground undoubtly from Jeanne's makeshift weaponry.

Jack watched as the two young women sat down. Taking into notice that they had changed from their odd apparel that of which was quite exposing, into some "normal" clothes.

"You two have been on me ship for nigh a day and I still don't know your names." Jack said in a quizzical tone.

"I'm Melissa." said the taller of the two brunettes. "But according to the Internet my pirate name is Bloody Bess Rackhem" (pronounced RACKem) She took into note Jack's odd expression at the mentioning of the Internet but he seemed to have more important things to contemplate.

"You're such a dork." Jeanne added with a chuckle.

"And proud of it!" Melissa was saying until Jack cleared his throat drawing their attention back to reality.

Jeanne introduced herself resentfully and a typical introductory conversation ensued. Melissa took note that this must be in a time after the first movie but before the second. Also the two found out that they would be in the pirate port of Tortuga soon to restock.

When inquired about their place of origin Melissa made up a story of being from Ireland which wasn't all lies right, since her ancestors were from there. Before Jeanne could answer the question Melissa interjected that Jeanne was French and her father invented mayonnaise and humiliated grapes quite often by making raisins. After a quite glare from Jeanne the talk continued to drag on.

Jack seemed to be growing bored of this conversation until the one called Melissa mentioned Davy Jones. This will have to be looked into later on perhaps the girl had some information of value he thought to himself.

"Well then if you'll excuse me I do believe that there is rum with my name on it in the galley. Gibbs might think that women aboard a ship be bad luck but I have to disagree on that one. Since that so called merchant ship turned out to be rumrunners sailing under false colors, not very good smugglers if ye ask me. You're welcome to join me and me crew if you like there's plenty to go around." Jack said as he stood up motioning for the two girls to do the same.

"Heck yes!" shouted Melissa. She was quite ecstatic whenever she had a chance to drink.

"Drink first, ask questions later!" Jeanne chimed in.

"OWWW DAMMIT!" Jeanne hollered as she rammed her toe into the table leg. Having never drank that much unlike Melissa she was a complete lightweight. _Well at least now Melissa can stop commenting on the fact that I'm in college and have never gotten wasted_ she thought to herself. She had tried the rum and upon finding it utterly disgusting she had made an effort to finding some whiskey. But it was a fruitless search so she had decided to make her own beverage, an odd mixture comparable to moonshine.

She made her way to the top deck of the ship once she realized that Melissa was going to sing along with the rest of the crew in the galley. Even though she had started singing the song called "Alcohol" by Brad Paisley.

Upon reaching the deck she tripped on a coil of rope and landed with a large _oomph_. She laid there a while unmoving then passed out.

"We're rascals, scoundrels, villains, and knaves,  
Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho.  
We're devils and black sheep, really bad eggs,  
Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho." was heard all around in the galley of the _Pearl_.

Melissa had had one too many bottles of rum and was rather happy. Unfortunately for her, her depth perception goes completely out the window; so running into objects and people is par for the course. The way she had found her current seat was by running into it first.

She sat next to the captain and was quite happy about it. Who would've guess that some day she would have a chance to drink with her favorite drunk. She had noticed that her friend had wandered off and came to the decision that this adventure was about to get a whole lot better in her mind.

Leaning over towards Jack like she was about to tell him some big secret, a slight smile splayed across her face as she said in a low voice "Captain Jack Sparrow"

"Yes love?" he said as his attention turned to her.

"Kiss me, I'm Irish!" she said with the grin on her face getting ever bigger.

" I'm afraid that I'm goin' to have to take you up on that offer there." He bantered all the while leaning ever closer to her.

But before he could get any nearer to her she leapt from her chair and ran as fast as a drunk could to the top deck.

Jeanne was still sleeping soundly on the coil of ropes or at least she was until Melissa came flying up the stairs and tripped over her.

Melissa slid a few feet before landing at the base of a mast. Cursing her bad luck and lack of depth perception she rolled over onto her back.

She didn't move again for some time when she heard Jeanne cuss followed by a loud thud. In her drunken state of mind she couldn't figure out what had conspired but then she remembered that Jack had probably followed her up the stairs. Hearing a loud shout of "Oh Bloody Hell!" only confirmed her suspicions.

She could hear the man mumbling _bloody tease_ and _this never would have happened_ as he slowly got up and dusted himself off. She saw a hand put out to her in an offering of helping her up but shook her head.

"I'm going to sleep here for the night so just leave me lie." She mumbled.

Apparently the Captain could understand her mumbling and made his way to his cabin leaving the two girls lying on the deck. Jeanne must have decided that this was a good time to start a conversation because Melissa could hear her asking, "How the hell did we get here?"

"Well it is quite possible that there was a fluxion in the time space continuum that created a hole that dropped us here." Melissa said trying to sound smart but more or less sounding like a drunken idiot.

"I wasn't asking about that, I was asking about how I got on this damn coil of ropes on the top deck!" Jeanne argued.

But Melissa was paying no attention to this since the outsized amounts of alcohol had taken effect completely leaving her out cold on the deck of the _Black Pearl_.

Jeanne thinking this was a good idea also, rolled over and became dead to the world.

That was a long chapter for me. I hope that it's length makes up for it's lateness of being produced. In the next chapter I hope to actually start a plot line to this unorganized mess of a story.


	5. Hammocks and a Duck in a Hat

Disclaimer: Me no own Jack, no own Jeanne, no own any Disney characters, me no own meself Jeanne own I. Hooray for poor grammar!

The world came back in a cold rush of water for Melissa. Sputtering she heard Jeanne's voice saying "Good morning sunshine!"

"Well fook you too. Damn water." (Yes I realize fuck is spelt fook, I'm a dork and that's just how I say it) Melissa grumbled quietly under her breath. But that wasn't quietly enough for when she was getting up she received an elbow in her gut from Jeanne, knocking the wind out of her as she fell down from the blow.

"What a great way to start the day!" said Melissa in voice oozing of sarcasm. Wiping her soaked hair out of her face she half-heartedly got back up. By the light of day it looked to be early afternoonish but it would seem that she was not the only person getting up late.

"What happened to you?" questioned Jack as he was passing by.

"Jeanne. That's what happened to me." Melissa complained while pointing to her friend who was ridding herself of the criminal bucket.

"Oh. Anyways I came to tell you two that since you have seemed to be takin' board on me ship then you have an equal share of work just like the rest of us, savvy?" he told the two women.

"Captain there seems to be a problem in your infallible logic." Melissa sarcastically remarked. She was not happy with the whole little wake up call from Jeanne and she was beginning to develop a headache due to the night's festivities.

"And what would that be?" Jack said noticing the girl's short temper today.

"We don't know what the hell we're doing." she said bluntly.

"Well then you'll just have to learn won't you?" he said.

"No shit Sherlock." Jeanne commented.

"Ana Maria!" Jack called out.

"Aye, what do ye want?" she responded.

"If you please show these two girls their chores." and with that last statement Jack was off.

"O god my arms ache and I'm fooking hungry!" Melissa whined. They had been doing miscellaneous chores all day and Melissa decided that if she had to suffer everyone else would to by listening to her whine. Currently they were moving some crates in the hull of the ship to make room for the new supplies that would be purchased in Tortuga.

"Shut up you big baby!" Jeanne hollered at her. "You are always hungry, remember horse fair it was I'm hungry every gosh damn minute!"

"Hey! You were the one telling me that I need to be fattened up!" Melissa argued.

"Well that was before I knew you ate like a horse! Where the hell do you put it all!" Jeanne was yelling.

"What's all this fuss about?" the two girls looked up to see jack standing in front of the open door. "I could hear you two gels yellin' all the way from the helm. But this is not what I came to tell you. Tortuga's harbor has been spotted on the horizon and we shall make port by dawn. So I suggest you two get yerselves some rest and stop yellin' else the crew will want to have a little chat with you two." He said matter-of-factly.

"Well where are we to sleep then?" Melissa said with some wishful thinking.

"Oh I have just the place for you two." Jack said.

_Finally it's going to get good_ Melissa thought to herself hopefully.

"Damn it! This is not how it's supposed to work!" Melissa said spitefully.

Unlike all those fan fics that she had read she would not be sleeping in the Captain's quarters, no they were stuck in this small dank room. Jack had left them with two hammocks in what appeared to be a storage closet of some sort.

Muttering a long string of curses Melissa began to put up her hammock. "So much for wishful thinking! DAMN HAMMOCK STAY PUT!"

Jeanne found it quite amusing watching her friend trying to fix her hammock. Jeanne had already gotten hers up while Melissa was ranting.

"Goodnight snuggles!" Jeanne said in mock tone. "Sleep well!" She could still hear her friend grumbling and messing with the hammock.

"Finally." Melissa said exhausted with the troublesome hammock. Slipping off her boots she crawled into the annoying object and lay down.

She lay there for a couple of minutes until all of a sudden the ship lurched forward causing her hammock to swing and it hit the wall hard. A loud thud and a scream of "OW!" let everyone know that Melissa had hit the wall too.

Melissa was cursing the world when she was cut off short. It seems that she had not secured the hammock well enough for another thud was soon heard when she went crashing to the ground.

"Fuck a duck in a hat! Damn hammock. Damn ship. Damn pirates. Damn it all to hell!" Melissa shouted, by this time she was thoroughly pissed off. Rubbing her head she thought of putting the hammock back up but was too lazy and angry to do it. Letting out an exasperated sigh she tried to get some sleep.

Captain Jack Sparrow lay on his bed with an uncorked bottle of rum. He could hear Melissa's loud complaints about the hammock. He grinned slyly when he heard her slam into the wall and later the floor. His plan had worked better than he expected it to; revenge was sweet. _That'll show the lass for tripping me and making a fool of me on me own ship_ he thought wryly to himself.


	6. More Rum

Disclaimer: I own the plot but not any other good stuff. So don't steal my plot or you'll walk the plank matey! Even though walking the plank is historically inaccurate but I felt it fit.

"Hey watch you it you drunken whore!" yelled Jeanne as a wench stumbled past her. They had arrived in Tortuga a couple of hours ago and were currently sitting in some tavern unknown to both Melissa and Jeanne.

Most of the crew had come ashore here but there was a watch left on the _Black Pearl_. They had lost Ana Maria somewhere along the way to the tavern.

Melissa and Jeanne sat at a table with Jack, Gibbs, and some strumpets. Melissa was glaring at the whores sitting around Jack.

"Bloody strumpets." Melissa muttered under her breath.

"What was that now, love?" Jack asked.

"What? Nothing, I said absolutely nothing at all!" Melissa snapped, she hadn't expected him to hear her comment. She made a metal note to stop saying things under her breath since everyone seems to hear her anyways.

Apparently Jack did not buy the lie and he had heard what she said since he just gave a sly grin in response. Melissa was sick of watching him flirt with those cursed whores so she turned her seat so her back was to him.

"Jeanne… Look…" Melissa said in astonishment as she pointing to a man sitting at the bar.

Jeanne started to turn her chair around to see what Melissa was pointing at when her foot got caught on the chair leg.

"Goddamn chair!" she yelled as she hit the dirty floor. Getting up and dusting herself off she noticed the man that Melissa had pointed out.

"Is that who I think it is?" Jeanne asked dumbfounded.

"I believe so but how did he get here?" Melissa replied.

"I don't care! All I know is that he is and I'm going to take full advantage of it!" Jeanne said with a smile.

Melissa watched her friend go over to the bar and make small talk to the man. A smile from Jeanne confirmed that it was no other than L.J. Jenkins.

Which all in itself was completely random and left a big gaping hole in the plotline. The only reason this was added to the story was because the Jeanne character threatened to go on strike if the writer did not add a cowboy for her. So I apologize for the randomness of the situation but let it be known that it was against the writer's decision.

So let me explain to all you normal people who L.J. Jenkins is. He is a bull rider for PBR (Professional Bull Riders) and according to Jeanne "He's a hot cowboy"(insert drool here). Anyway continuing on with the story…

Melissa watched her friend wander off with the man and scrunched her face in disgust trying not to think about what they were planning on. Turning her chair around to face Jack again she could see that Gibbs had left _probably with a whore_ she thought.

She cursed her friend for leaving her alone with these whores and Jack. Repulsed by the sight of the wenches and Jack she walked to the bar to go get some more rum. _Alcohol makes the go round_ Melissa thought to herself with a smile.


	7. Stupid Strumpets

Disclaimer: I don't own anyone just the plot.

P.S. for Jeanne: You probably will find this chapter boring since you're not in it. Ye be warned!

_Just like the high school hallways_ Melissa was thinking. She had shoved her way to the bar and was making her way back to the table when she slipped on some sort of spilt liquor. Fortunately she was able to regain her balance before she fell and split her drink.

"What now bitches? I've got mad skillz." Melissa said triumphantly.

Although her celebration was short-lived you see it would seem that she was not the only one who had slipped for she was soon pushed backwards by a stumbling strumpet. She landed on something… soft she looked up to see the face of a bear of a man.

"Not good." She said quietly. She tried to remove herself from the burly man's lap but he held her back.

"Now, now girlie not so fast. How do you expect to make any money when ye be running away from all of yer customers?" he said in a drunken slur.

_Oh snap he didn't just call me a whore didn't he? _

"Back off mountain man! I know someone who knows how to castrate a cow and I'm sure she could do it to a human too!" she said trying her best to be intimidating.

Trying her best to struggle away from the man's death-grip she tried to hit him with the mug seeing as she was unarmed. This caused a bit of a problem because the mug never found its target instead it found another mans head instead.

"What the?" she could hear the other man shout.

It would seem Melissa was on her way to starting a genuine bar fight. Feeling the man who was holding her swing her over his shoulder when he got up she decided that perhaps she needed some help.

"JACK SPARROW! FRONT AND CENTER! BE HELPFUL FOR ONCE AND HELP ME OUT HERE!" Melissa bellowed as loud as she could. She doubted anyone could hear her over the racket of the bar fight but was proven wrong when her hero showed up to save the day. _Being saved by a pirate is sort of ironic isn't it? _Melissa thought.

"That's Captain!" he yelled announcing his presence.

"Shut your noisemaker and help me out you arrogant ass!" Melissa screamed. By this time the man was coming ever closer to the door and she was becoming quite distressed.

"You've gotten yourself in quite a predicament there haven't you lass." He said with a smirk.

"Oh just stop with the banter and help me out!"

"Oy what's all this screamin' about now?" the behemoth of a man said as he turned around to face Jack.

Melissa sighed, still struggling to get out of the man's grasp. Even more so the only thing she could see now was the wall since the man had turned to face Jack. _He better have a good plan or else_ she thought.

"It seems you have something there that belongs to me, mate." Jack said pointing to Melissa.

_Great,_ she thought frustrated as she tried to blow the strand of hair out of her face, _now two people own me_.

"She must have had too much to drink and forgotten that I already paid for her company for the night." Jack lied.

_Oh lovely now, make it sound like I am an alcoholic whore why don't ya!_ She thought furiously. She was about to yell at Jack that this wasn't helping when she felt the giant man release her. _Oh how wonderful it was to be back on ones feet!_

The man looked at Jack then Melissa then back again, seemingly trying to decide if this was worth fighting over. Apparently he chose against it when he backed off a couple of feet.

"You're a diamond mate!" The Captain said as he threw his arm about her. Melissa was fairly taken aback by this and was dumbfounded. "Now if you'll excuse us." He said with that lopsided grin pushing past the mountain man and escorting her away.

Once they had gotten upstairs and away from the overgrown man Melissa barked "Hands off trespasser!"

"Apologies love." He said mockingly while removing his arm from around her waist. "But I do believe that youre indebted to me now so I would not suggest that you keep yellin'.

"And how exactly am I so indebted to you?" she said being her usual smart-ass self.

"Well maybe because I saved you from that ungodly man and in the process you scared off of me company so unfortunately some of tonight's plans were ruined thanks to ye missy. Now if ya please I believe you know something about a certain Davy Jones that I would be more than happy to know also" He said motioning with his arms to the open door.

Giving him a look like a will set you ablaze right now she walked through the door. But right when she passed by the Captain she felt a hand slap her rump.

"Why does every man on this godforsaken earth have an infatuation with my ass?" Melissa hollered.

"I was only curious." Jack said with that devilish grin of his.


	8. Beware the Ides of March

Disclaimer: Hi y'all it's Jeanne. Melissa is too lazy to type this up so I'm doing it for her. She wrote it don't worry you don't have to deal with my ramblings. So for all you people that love to sue she doesn't own anything except the plot. She doesn't even own herself poor thing. Oh and if you haven't seen the second POTC movie you might not want to read this we sum up the entire movie. You've been warned now lets get back to the buckin action. Sorry about the last part I got to go to bull riding last night GO ME!

"So how much do you know about Davy Jones?" Jack asked. He and Melissa had situated themselves across from each other at a table. Jeanne was still missing form all the action well at least from what was going on with Melissa.

"More than you think." Melissa quipped. She figured that if he was going to tease and torment her then she would give it back tenfold.

There was and awkward pause until Jack made a hand gesture as if too say well what are you waiting for? Go on.

"Well…" she said as if pausing before long monologue. "You owe a debt to Davy Jones since he raised the Pearl for you. You're going to lose your hat, the kraken is after you, you'll see Bootstrap and he'll be all "I apply black spot now!" cannibals will try to eat you, you'll fall in love with a jar of dirt, you go to get the dead mans chest, you fight on a big water wheel , Norrington steals the heart, Elizabeth tries to kill you and the kraken takes your beloved Pearl back to the depths right after it eats you." She said quickly and casually as if it were an everyday thing.

He was quiet for a second as if absorbing all of the information and at that a;; he could say was "oh."

"Yeah oh." Melissa said rolling her eyes.

"Well then that raises the question of how you know all of this." Jack Questioned.

_Oh shit _Melissa thought _now what am I going to do?_ She didn't think that explaining about her being form a different time and the whole thing with the movies would only get her labeled as crazy. She had to think up a lie and fast, "uh… I'm a soothsayer of sorts. Beware the ides of March!"

After a quizzical look from the captain "alright then he said mockingly if you'll excuse me I believe I shall be leaving"

He stood up from his chair and Melissa started to follow suit when her foot got caught in the edge of her blunt trench coat. It would appear she had been drinking more than she thought.

"Shit." She screamed as tripped she reached for anything to help her stop from falling. Unfortunately for Jack anything apparently qualified his coat for the job.

"Bugger!" he cursed as he hit the ground also.

Jeanne was looking for her friend, cowboy in tow. She had heard Melissa scream shit and knew where she was immediately. Walking up the stairs she opened the second door on the right.

"Hey Melissa I found you fina… whoa buddy I didn't need to see that." Jeanne shouted and quickly shut the door. So you have to understand Jeanne's impeccable timing she had opened the door right when Melissa and Jack had fallen on the ground beside each other.

"Wait Jeanne its not what you think you pervert!" Melissa said getting up.

She could hear Jeanne shouting in the hallway "LALA PINK FLUFFY BUNNIES I CABT HEAR YOU!"

"Screw it." Melissa said pessimistically as she followed her friend out the door Jack behind.

At least this night proved interesting." He muttered to himself.


	9. Mutton Bustin and will

Disclaimer: Hi its Jeanne again! I'm really happy right now there's mutton bustin in this chapter! I love it. For those of you that don't know what dirt surfing is its simply falling on the ground and getting dragged a couple of feet it's really fun! And the thing with the cowboy is Melissa promised me that if I fell off the picnic table at fair a cute cowboy would come over and help me that didn't happen and she launched me sooo its pay back time to bad it not real oh well. So on with the real declaimer Melissa owns nothing not herself but only the plot so you people who like to sue you can't ha-ha in your face! On with the story then.

"Watch out! Move it! Pardon us!" Jeanne and Melissa shouted

The sound of hooves pounding against the docks could throughout the harbor. The Black Pearl was currently being restocked with supplies and Jeanne had come up with her own idea of how to load the livestock. They were racing down the docks to the Pearl on _sheep_!

"Eat my dust!" Jeanne yelled back at Melissa.

"Kiss it sucka!" Melissa blurted at Jeanne as she passed her.

The racing continued until Melissa went dirt surfin' off her sheep. She rolled to her feet barreling some random person over in the process.

"Why must I always hit someone when I fall?" Melissa shouted while shaking her fist at the sky.

"Pardon me." The man said as he offered his hand to help Melissa up.

When Melissa got back on her feet she saw that Jeanne had gone surfing too and L.J. was helping her up. Melissa at once recognized who she had run over.

"Will?" she asked.

"Yes, do I know you?" he inquired.

"No but I know you and someone who knows you that you know too." She said making it sound as confusing as ever.

"What in bloody hell happened here?" Jack questioned referring to the two sheep running off and the two girls being covered in dirt from surfing.

"MUTTON BUSTIN!" Jeanne shouted with much enthusiasm.

"What?" Jack asked

"Mutton bustin its like the second to the best sport ever. The first being bull riding of course its where you take a sheep and hang on as long as you can while there trying to jump and kick and all that happy nonsense and then you let go after 8 seconds and hope that you don't get stomped on by a sheep because that sucks really bad when you get it in the ribs trust me." Said Jeanne as she laughed about the last part and the face that L.J. made.

"Oh is that all" Jack asked

"Yep" Jeanne said being pretty happy go lucky right now. This made Melissa think that she had gotten into the moonshine again or something else had happen but Melissa pushed that thought quickly out of her mind.

Melissa was not paying attention to the conversation until Jeanne swiftly smacked her on the back of the head. "Well that should get rid of her ADD for now."

"BOB!" Melissa exclaimed loudly everyone looked at her funny and then she continued not listening to the conversation.

"Jack I've been looking for you." Will stated. "Elizabeth has been taking captive and I need help retrieving her."

"Does that girl always get kidnapped? Why doesn't he just lock that dumb bitch up?" Melissa asked Jeanne.

"She is locked up in a prison cell!"

"Well if you're asking me I see no reason why I should risk meself and me Pearl for the gel." Jack bluntly said.

"I thought you would care to know that the governor is offering a handsome reward for the return of his daughter."

"I'm listening." Jack said with a slight grin.

"Too bad we can't return her dead." Melissa whispered to Jeanne.

"Really." Jeanne replied dryly.

"So what happened to the prick this time Will?" Jeanne asked genuinely curious but not without adding an insult.

"Well…" he began.

That's it for right now! Melissa doesn't have ADD she is stupid some days though and acts like it. Its ok I have the same problem with shinny objects. Oh shinny object! The BOB think is because were typing it on my computer today and I have ribbons from winning shows that say BOB on them she asked me if it was an animal. I told her no it stands for best of breed. You have to be here to understand it. Melissa says to review if you do shell do a little dance. If you don't she'll send the demon flesh eat bed babies after you. That's what Melissa said hey I had flesh eating beetles once would that work. No Jeanne. Bye Bye for now come on Jeanne lets go. Bye.


	10. Strip Poker and Branding Fun

This is Melissa again be warned that Jeanne wrote half of this chapter so... oh and its full of drunken rambling thanks to me. So enjoy! O and right reviews since I have been putting up a chapter or more a day to satisfy Jeanne's ever-growing demand for amusement.

Disclaimer: hi it's Jeanne for the third time! Go you people that read this. So were having a little fun here today while were typing this so if it makes completely no sense you know why and it's not the kinky kind of fun either. Oh shinny object Melissa says that she's to ADD to type right now so this means that you get to listen to me ramble on about absolutely nothing. Ok so Melissa says that she has to pee like a racehorse I should have never taught her that saying. Ok for all the sue happy people you know the drill. There were legal… I hope. Ill have to check into that one. On with the story shall we oh and everyone should like the end.

"Well what" Jeanne said sounding very annoyed by now. Stupid people that take forever to do anything or say anything. We ain't in Texas anymore you cant say well and that's it got it.

Melissa just looked at her friend like cool your jets women. All the time Melissa was very slap happy about something Jeanne figured that she had to much to drink again and that Melissa need to quit while she was ahead of the game or else something bad would happen to her again_. Why do I all ways have to save her im not a guy and im defiantly not her mother eww_ Jeanne thought.

Will then preceded to tell them the events that led up to the present. Him and Elizabeth had been aboard the _Squall_ when they had heard the sweet singing of three voices in the distance. Off in the distance three small islands could be seen next to each other and the sound appeared to becoming from them. They sailed ever closer to the rocky outcropping knowing that this was foolhardy yet they continuing sailing toward the three mysterious islands.

Soon they could see three creatures with the head of a female and the body of a bird, each one on its own rocky island. The creatures were all singing the same enchanting song that seemed to be pulling the _Squall_ to her fate. The only thing that he remembered was seeing a wrecked ship and his drearly beloved taken away from him by the god of the sea, Poseidon.

"Dearly beloved we are here today to mourn the loss of old what's her face." Jeanne remarked with a big smile spreading across her smug face.

After an angry look from Will and a smile from Melissa he continued on with his story. "I awoke later to find myself floating on a piece of wood from the wreck and eventually found my way here."

"Wow he ends up on a floating piece of wood a lot doesn't he?" Melissa commented.

"Kinky!" Jeanne added.

"So how big of a reward are we talking about?" Jack asked he was much more interested with this than the long-winded tale of Wills.

Later that night you could here the whining of Melissa all throughout the Pearl "I don't know why we have to save that stupid strumpet!" The bad news for everyone else on board is that Melissa had been drinking… again and people were finally coming to the conclusion of her being a mean drunk.

The sun had a few hours ago and the five of them were bored sitting in the galley of the Pearl with nothing to do currently. When an evil smile crept across Jeanne's face.

Taking notice of this Melissa innocently asked "What are you thinking?"

"I thought of a real fun way to pass the time!" Jeanne announced.

Melissa shot her a slightly disgusted yet questioning look.

"STRIP POKER! Hell yeah!" Jeanne declared. "With a twist! Loser gets branded property of the winner!"

"I like that idea!" said L.J.

In the end Will backed out of the idea and it was left to the two hicks to explain poker to Jack. Melissa had a fun time watching Jeanne's patient wear thin and leave the explaining to L.J.

After a few hands Jeanne still had all of her clothes except her boots but the same could not be said for everyone else. You see after Jack had to take his shirt off Melissa lost her poker face completely and was very... distracted.

Being the genius that she is she had forgotten about her henna tattoo on her back of the sparrow flying into the sunset._ Oh shit_ she thought _if Jack sees that hes going to get all cocky_.

The thought was completely interrupted by Jeanne saying "Pants down boys!"

"Kinky!" Melissa chimed in.

The game appeared to be won for Jeanne with Melissa and Jack tied for last. Luckily for Melissa she had managed to keep her tattoo hidden.

"I win!" interrupted Jeanne once again breaking Melissa thoughts.

Melissa looked down to see that Jack had lost and of course Jeanne had won. L.J. had come in a close second and Melissa almost losing.

"Dammit, I was hoping I'd get to brand my cowboy." Jeanne swore. "Well I don't want 'im so I'll use Melissa's initials. He's all yours girl." Jeanne said.

"Best present ever!" Melissa said smiling. She knew that he would never truly be hers but hey a girl can dream right? Jack seemed to have a slight look of fear when he saw Jeanne with a hot branding iron. He had been branded before but this girl was crazy.

Hope you enjoyed the wonderful chapter i came up with the best idea of all strip poker! For those of you that don't understand cowboys are hot really hot. Melissa says that pirates are to not to offend any one. Have fun going back to school those people that do I still have another two weeks off it will be filled with packing but its better than having to go back to school like Melissa dose ha ha ha Bye i hope that we will be back soon.


	11. Swabbing the Poop Deck

So school has started again, bleh. Bring on the babbling and sleep deprivation! So any who my point is this that I will be updating about once a week or two now instead of everyday but I am working on making the chapters longer.

School has turned me into an undead zombie with three hours of sleep so if some things are odd or don't make much sense I blame school. Is it just me or does school have a certain funky smell to it? It probably doesn't help though that some people have never heard of a new miracle called deodorant! I'm rambling I'll stop now and continue the story.

Disclaimer: I own the plot and that's it. Hot damn! What a wonderful life it would be if I owned Jack. Although I would probably have to fend off hordes of rabid hell fans on a daily basis.

Jeanne's Commentary: Melissa just called me stupid and she's the one reciting all the lines from POTC perfectly.

Melissa leaned against the wooden railing of the Pearl watching the waves break on the hull of the ship. Turning around with her back to the rail she found something else to stare at, Jack. He was presently fooling around with his compass and talking to Will.

She smiled when she saw Jack shove the compass into the hands of Will. Obviously that worked, she could see by Jack's expression that they finally had a heading. She had to stifle a laugh when she saw the Captain rest his hand where he had been branded the night before. She couldn't help but giggle as she pictured some damned whore asking Jack why was MG was branded on his ass.

"Why aren't you doing your chores?" Jeanne yelled at Melissa. Jeanne laughed when she saw her friend jump at her sudden appearance.

"Don't do that! You know I'm already paranoid as it is!" Melissa retorted.

"Well stop drooling at your lover boy and come on!" Jeanne said as she grabbed Melissa's arm.

Reluctantly Melissa took one last look then followed Jeanne below deck to do their dull chores.

"So where is L.J. at anyway?" Melissa asked

"Well apparently the author seems to have chosen that he should only show his face when I am threatening to go on strike." Replied Jeanne as she continued to swab the deck.

"How convenient!" Melissa said in mock sarcasm. Only the sound of the mops splattering on the deck could be heard until she broke the silence. "Well now if you excuse me I believe I'm done and have other matters to attend to." She said as she set down her mop and walked off.

"Oh no you don't. I'm not go to do this all by myself." Jeanne said turning around looking for her friend but she was nowhere to be seen. "What have you gone and done now?" she muttered to herself.

OH NO! What is Melissa doing? Will Jeanne ever finish swabbing the deck? Will L.J. still be a character with no soul? Will Jack get lucky? Will Elizabeth die? I hope so! Will Will find Elizabeth before Melissa kills her? I don't know or do I?


	12. Swords and Dead Birds

My life has been very busy lately and I have been trying to post often but it is becoming increasingly harder. So bear with me my readers if I don't post often. Currently most of my time has been taken up by my evil plan of brain washing the freshmen into bringing me Johnny Depp. So far all I have accomplished is getting them to talk about him a lot. O well…

Disclaimer: Jeanne owns herself and me. I own the plot and only the plot. The mouse owns all the rest. Hopefully I'll own Jack soon though if the freshmen turn out to be reliable henchmen.

Jeanne grumbled as she headed below deck it was getting late now and her friend had never returned to do her fair share of the work. It had taken her forever to do everything and now Melissa owed her big time. _Stupid lazy bum never does anything!_ Jeanne thought to herself. O boy was she going to make her friend pay. _Be warned Melissa revenge is a bitch!_

Melissa awoke with a start when Jeanne burst open the door to there closet of a room.

"Out Snuggles! Now! You owe me you bum." Jeanne said while she stomped into the room.

Melissa who was still half asleep at the moment was completely dumbfounded. "What? Why?" she said groggily as she began to get up off the sprawled-out hammock on the floor. She still couldn't get the damned thing to stay up and decided that it would just be easier to sleep on the wooden flooring.

"Out! Because I said so!" Jeanne yelled becoming increasingly annoyed. When her pal didn't move much she clucked to Melissa when saying, "Come on Melissa. Come here girl. Go out the door."

Melissa grudgingly walked outside of their little room to see that L.J. was waiting there. Knowing what was going to happen here soon she made way to the top deck as fast as she could without running.

Upon reaching the top deck of the _Pearl_ she noted that she had slept longer than she had thought. The sun was gone and in its place was an almost full moon. The bright moon cast unnatural shadows across the ship an eerie beauty was the only way to describe it. She strode over to a crate alongside the black railing of the _Pearl_ and sat down it.

Mr. Cotton was at the helm and he seemed to be the only other person on the deck but she knew looks could be deceiving. She turned to face the open sea and became engrossed in her thoughts whilst watching the rhythmic movement of the water. She mulled over the ideas of what was going on back home and how could they ever go back or did she even want to go home? _On one hand I could go back home to my friends and family but on the other I could stay here, where I have always wanted to be_, she pondered. This made her realize that she was becoming homesick. Pushing these depressing thoughts aside she gazed out over the sea amazed with its vast expanse. She had become so consumed with her own deliberations that she had not noticed the footsteps of some one approaching.

"Beautiful isn't it." the intruder said.

"OH GOD!" Melissa screamed as she fell off the crate startled. She could hear the interrupter laugh at her surprise. "Jack! That wasn't nice now. No wonder why I'm so paranoid." She said trying to regain her composure.

"I'm sorry, love. But I just couldn't help myself. So what are you doing out here, Shouldn't you be bickering with that friend of yours?" he questioned.

"Oh so you didn't get tickets to the midnight rodeo I'm assuming. Right now she is busy saving a horse and riding a cowboy. I wanted to avoid that show so I found my way out here, as far away as possible."

"What's this rodeo that ye're speaking of?" Jack inquired as he leaned against the railing obviously preparing for a lengthy conversation.

_Oh shit! Melissa keep your big mouth shut and don't forget that he doesn't know about the whole movie future thing!_ She thought to herself mental punishing herself.

"Ummm… That's just an expression. Its not really that important now is it?" she said trying to put an end his questions.

"No I suppose not. But I'm still left with the question of what you are doing here." He jibed.

"Nothing. Just thinking." She said with a sigh and then turned back to face the ocean.

"About?" he queried and motioned a carry on gesture with his hands.

"Not anything significant." She said dismissively.

"I think your lying to me. It must be significant, at least to you if your were so lost in your own thoughts that you could not hear me approach." He commented as he turned to face her.

"Alright I confess, I was contemplating about us saving Elizabeth. I mean how are we going to infiltrate the stronghold of a god let alone just to save a wench like her. And I'm afraid that I have a bone to pick with that girl." She lied smiling at the fact that she stole one of Jack's lines.

"Well now missy you should know I have absolutely no problem with two gels fighting on me ship." He added with a mischievous smile.

"I'm sorry Captain Sparrow but there seems to be a problem with your flawless logic.

"And that would be?" he asked, throwing a questionable look at Melissa.

"I have not the slightest clue how to handle a sword and I know for a fact that the eunuch has taught Elizabeth to fight. So the fight would not last long and I would end up a dead woman." She remarked.

"Then we'll just have to fix that then won't we?" Jack stated with a smile on his face.

A couple of hours later found the two sparring on the _Pearl_. Melissa wasn't the best swordsman but her craftiness made up for it. She took full advantage of her environment and that was the only thing that kept her from failing miserably. Unfortunately Jack was gaining the upper hand for this round. She parried every move but was unable to get off of the defense. She could not continue this for much longer and soon found her self disarmed.

"Fine. I give up." She said while putting her arms up in the air, surrendering. "You win again o master of the sword." She added with a mock bow.

"As it should be." He retorted. Walking past her he called back to her "Now if you'll excuse me I believe that I there is a bottle of rum waiting for me in the galley."

Melissa just gave a dismissive snort and went to pick up her newly acquired sword. "That man and his beloved rum." She muttered under her breath.

"What was that now?" she heard Jack ask her.

"What? I didn't say anything." She swore at her bad luck. _Why does everyone always miraculously hear me? _She thought. _Now where is that cursed sword?_

_Ah there it is!_

She reached down to pick up her fallen cutlass but screamed at what she found. Lying beside the handle of the blade was a dead sparrow; there was no visible sign of how it died. She bent down and reached around the dead bird to retrieve her sword.

Once she did though she could see a hole that went straight though the sparrow's chest, she had not seen that before. She started to dispose of the carcass however the hole began spreading to the rest of the bird. It seemed to be devouring it from the inside out. It continued spreading till the entire body had dissolved leaving only black ashes. Those were then dispersed by a wind that appeared to come from nowhere, spreading the remnants over the sea.

"What are you hollering about now?" Jack said hurrying over to see what was wrong with Melissa.

"Uh… I saw a spider that's all." She said quickly then headed down below deck to sleep.

Jack knew that she had lied to him. Her eyes gave that away and plus all the color was drained from her face. He deliberated as he went to fetch a bottle of rum and then went to his quarters for the evening.

He sat at his desk fiddling with his compass, trying to make it work without avail. He knew that the girl was hiding something from him and he knew that he would have to discover what it was exactly.

Melissa had found a place to sleep among the crates in the hull of the _Pearl_. She could not get to sleep though, the image of sparrow kept haunting her mind. The terrible omen could only mean that Jack's life was in danger. She couldn't figure out how the sparrow had just appeared out of nowhere, especially since they were out at sea. When sleep finally found her it only brought nightmares of the ominous omen of ill fate.

OOOOOO…. Spooky! What is up with the dead birdy? What is Elizabeth doing? What will happen next? What will Melissa do next? What will the freshmen do?


	13. Hardtack and Assmeat

Hey this is Melissa typing what Jeanne is saying so in a way this is Jeanne. Hi! Not really though I'm at college. So this chapter is going to be really boring because all we are doing is sailing, sailing, sailing, sailing, sailing, sailing, sailing, sailing, sailing, sailing, sailing, sailing, sailing, sailing, sailing, sailing, sailing, sailing, sailing, sailing, sailing, sailing, sailing, sailing. But it won't be as bad as my college is. We'll spare you that torture. Don't worry you people who read the disclaimers I'll be back soon.

Okay this is Melissa now and I hope everyone had a good Talk Like a Pirate Day! I went to the pirate festival last weekend and had a blast. There was a bunch of Captain Jack wannabes there and unfortunately none of them were good-looking. Oh well and I just thought that I would let everyone know that I'm sitting in my full pirate garb whilst typing this.

Disclaimer: No suey my butty! I own the plot and my weird mind garble. Jeanne owns herself and me. That cursed mouse owns Jack.

Cue sailing montage!

Melissa awoke that morning with a kink in her neck. She sat up on the crate massaging her neck and muttered " Note to self, crates do not make good mattresses."

She brushed a piece of hair out of her face as she got onto her feet. The greasy strand of hair reminded her that she been without a shower for a week. Grimacing at that thought she pulled her hair up with a loose piece of cloth, she would not be able to go on much longer without a bath of some sort.

She ventured out into the hallway and made her way onto the top deck. She climbed up the stairs and spotted her friend immediately. "I see that the rodeo got a little rough last night." She said pointing to a bruise on Jeanne's wrist as she popped up beside her friend.

"I should be asking you the same question Snuggles." Jeanne remarked with a smirk while referring to the welt on Melissa's collarbone.

"Oh that. Jack and me were just sparring last night and I lost… As always." She said nonchalantly.

"Right, call it whatever you want I know what really went down last night." Jeanne sarcastically teased. "I ain't no dummy." She added with a southern drawl.

Rolling her eyes Melissa pushed her friends ridiculing aside and asked "So what boring chores are we to do today mi amiga?"

Apparently there was no cook onboard and the crew had a rotation of this chore amongst themselves. And since the two girls had been doing random hand jobs about the ship they had now been appointed the new chefs.

The Black Pearl's kitchen would have been a comfortable size if it weren't for all the crates and barrels full of foodstuff crowding it. The two companions were having a heck of a time trying to find what was were and resorted to the age old method of trial and error. Now opening random containers might seem a bad idea to most but Melissa and Jeanne had made a game out of it and it was proving to be pretty amusing.

"Ewww! What the hell is this stuff?" Jeanne said holding up a round rock like piece of food. "Is this even edible?"

"That would be hardtack my friend and unfortunately it is edible. It's just old hardened bread like a crouton except in rock form." Melissa joked. She screamed and half-backed half-run away from the barrel she had just opened.

"What?" Jeanne asked with a quizzical look. She carefully approached the barrel as if something were waiting there to jump out at her. Peering over the rim of the drum she looked inside and sighed. "My God woman. You weird vegetarians." She taunted while pulling out a piece of heavily salted raw meat.

"Eeewwww. How can you touch that assmeat? It's disgusting and utterly repulsive." Melissa was beginning to freak out and headed for the door away from the dead animal meat.

"Aw come on. Meat is good it wants to be your friend." Jeanne said while cutting off Melissa's exit and hanging the meat in her friends face.

"Get that carcass away from me!" Melissa practically screamed in desperation. She tried to get away from the meat but Jeanne began chasing her. Jeanne finally corned her friend but to her dismay Melissa was cowering right next to the crate of hardtack.

Using the environment to her advantage she hurled the hardened bread at Jeanne. This resulted in Jeanne throwing the piece of meat at Melissa. She screamed bloody murder chucked more barely edible bread at Jeanne. Ten seconds later there was an all out war in the kitchen of the Pearl between hardtack and some kind of meat.

Meanwhile Jack and Gibbs were passing by the kitchen, conversing when they heard the clanging of pots and pans aided by the noise of two screaming girls. Deciding to investigate they walked to the door, Gibbs being brave opened the door. A scene of chaos was revealed to the two men. Melissa was covered in meat and salt and was still throwing hardtack across the room towards the door where Jeanne was hunched over hiding behind the barrel of meat. Stale bread and crumbs surrounded Jeanne.

"STOP IT!" Jack hollered failing his arms about for emphasis.

Now there is one thing about Melissa that you need to know, once she has set her mind to something there is no stopping her. Currently she had her mind set on hitting Jeanne with another bread missile. Jeanne ducked and the hard projectile kept flying past its mark finding a new target, Jack.

It hit the side of his face and the room fell silent fast. He brushed off the crumbs from his jacket looked up and inquired "How in the bloody buggerin' hell did this happen?"

The only answer to that question was a slab of meat hitting the other side of Jack's face and slowly sliding down it.

"Dinner is served!" Jeanne yelled starting up a festival of giggles.

With a shudder and a look of distaste he opened his mouth about to say something when L.J. cut him off.

"What happened in here? Did a cow explode?" he said peeking through the doorframe. To this Jeanne and Melissa began to roll around on the floor laughing.

Jack didn't find the situation too funny though. "Your bonnie lass and her friend here were-"

Jeanne cut him off before he could finish saying "Dude we were having a food fight."

Melissa just added "DUDE!"

Jeanne replied "Duuude."

"Dude!"

"Dude!"

This went on for a short bit until Melissa and Jeanne burst out laughing again. The only thing that brought the laughter to an abrupt halt was Jack clearing his throat.

L.J. noticed Jack's stern glare towards the two girls and tried to avoid the situation from getting worse by saying "Uh Jeanne I just remembered there was something I needed to show you."

Jeanne got up and left her friend alone with the furious Captain and Gibbs.

"Kinky!" Melissa shouted after Jeanne causing another spout of laughter to erupt.

"Mister Gibbs please find someone to clean this mess of up. And as for you" Jack said pointing to Melissa " we need to talk." With that he made his leave and expected her to follow him.

She had always wished to be invited to the Captain's quarters alone but for some reason she didn't think this was going to be like she had wished it would.

Dun dun dun… If anyone is wondering out there it is true. I really am a vegetarian. I plan on playing with that fact later in the story. Any who I am talking on the phone with Jeanne and she wanted me to mention that she is the best cook in the world. (In the world my ass she's been living off of cereal for three weeks) Please review! I will get the chapters up faster if there are lots of reviews!


	14. Go Fish and Bloody Noses

Disclaimer: The mouse owns Jack to do God knows what with him. Jeanne owns herself and me, but I'm trying to get emancipated. Jeanne keeps having kinky dreams which I have found amusing. For some reasons her dreams include me and Jack always interrupting her and her cowboy with our own innocent doings. For some reason I spilt red wine on Jeanne's white carpet and man-eating goats were eating some chick in other dreams. One thing seems odd to me, is it weird that your best friend is having kinky dreams where you get everywhere and she gets nowhere? Well there is a point to this rambling; her dreams have inspired the ending to this chapter. Jeanne says howdy by the way. Be warned this might not make much sense since I am on a whole lot of drugs from being sick and then having an allergic reaction to the antibiotics.

"You Miss Melissa are a nuisance. You have been on MY ship for nigh on two weeks now and look at the mayhem you and that bloody friend of yours have caused!" Jack yelled his patience had obviously run out.

Jack stood both hands supporting him on his desk and at the butt of his temper opposite him was Melissa seated ever so precariously. She had been thoroughly lectured by now so all that was left was the closing arguments.

Unfortunately Melissa is the kind of person that always has to have the last word; apparently she always forgot how much trouble this habit has caused her. "Yes, yes, yes all well and done. Are you quite finished yet for this seems to be a repetitious conversation?" she said being a smartass.

"No. I'm not finished yet." He said with a slow smile spreading across his lips. He walked behind the chair which Melissa was sitting in and grasped both sides of the back of it.

_Finally this trip is turning in my favor!_ She thought feeling excitement and anticipation well up inside of her.

"I have two things left for you." He said smoothly practically whispering it in her ear. With a single motion he effortlessly tipped her chair backwards while sidling out of the way.

A loud thud signaled when Melissa hit the ground rather ungracefully along with her chair.

"That being one and the other being that I expect you and your badgering friend to pump out the bilges on the morrow. Now I believe I am finished." Jack smirked.

Rubbing the back of her head she stood up, looked the Captain in the eye, and whispered, "You really want to become a eunuch don't you?" Then she took her leave, satisfied with her reference to the gelding ability of Jeanne.

Melissa had no intention of sleeping on crates again tonight and was now daring to go back to her closet-like room. She recalled Jeanne telling her that she and L.J. were going to play Go Fish right before Melissa was briefed on how she was a pest.

_Go Fish my ass_. She thought to herself. She was still in disbelief that she was seriously considering to go back to her room. Walking unsteadily down the dark hallway she finally found the door to the dreaded area. Pressing her ear up against the door she could hear nothing, a good sign. Opening up the door she was in shock of what she saw. LJ. and Jeanne were playing Go Fish.

"Do you have any sevens?" Jeanne asked when they noticed Melissa standing in the doorway.

"Mind if I join in?" was the only thing Melissa could muster.

An hour later there was a heated tournament of Go Fish happening aboard the _Black_ _Pearl_. Melissa and Jeanne were winning leaving L.J. the loser.

"You got any twos?" Melissa inquired.

"Go Fish. So what did you and lover boy discuss? Or did you just play tonsil hockey?" Jeanne replied.

"Damn! Yeah I wish we had a riveting round of tonsil hockey. No, in fact we have to clean out the bilges tomorrow." Melissa said as she drew another card.

"What! I didn't do anything to deserve that and what the hell does cleaning the bilges involve?" she voiced whilst setting down her cards.

"It's a very smelly chore and it is going to suck monkey ass so I suggest you don't find out what it is until tomorrow. Man at one point in the conversation I thought we were going to play hockey. Though God hates me so it never happened."

"You do realize that Jack is only going to keep giving you this attention until you hand over what that man whore wants from all women." L.J. added.

Melissa was shocked that L.J. actually said something intelligent and showing that he was actually something more than Jeanne's sex slave. (Jeanne wanted me to replace that with something else like lapdog but I'm too much of a narcissist too change it.) "Aw but he's so cute. Trust me I realize this and I plan on keeping my bargaining tool so the attention continues. Oh and before I forget Jack called you a slutty whore just in a little different wording Jeanne." She said knowing how to rightfully enrage her friend. Maybe it is a bad thing to toy with your friend's temper but for Melissa this is how she was going to get payback.

"WHAT! That good for nothing bastard is going to pay." Jeanne grumbled as she stomped out the door. L.J. gave Melissa a look saying _what have you done?_ and then he followed after the angry woman.

Melissa took some time to put the cards away before heading upstairs to see what damaged her friend had reigned. Calmly collecting herself and dusting off her pants she made her way above deck with a grim smile on her face.

She walked into the Captain's quarters to find Jeanne, L.J., and Jack. To her dismay she walked in right when Jeanne punched him in the nose not holding back anything. He toppled backwards to ironically hit a leg of the chair he had tipped Melissa in. A sickening thump was made when his head met the leg and he was out cold.

Melissa ran over to his limp body and held his head in her hands shouting "His beautiful face! You've broken him! Why did you do this?"

"Hey he started it." Jeanne said with a shrug.

Then hearing the commotion the helmsmen who had that shift came in on the scene to say "Not again. Gibbs c'mon in here quick!"

Jeanne could only mutter "Not again, shit."


End file.
